The Lonesome Dance
by JustAnotherParallelDimension
Summary: Sirius has forever danced from partner to partner, never pausing in his changing rhythm. But when he finds the one he wants to dance with forever, his feet carry him away from Remus, never to dance with him again. Slash RL/SB


Ok, this is a birthday fic for the wonderful prone2dementia who gave me the inspiration to write this fic and many heartfelt thanks to my best friend Niamh who helped me edit and beta it!

* * *

**The Lonesome Dance**

**Summary:** Sirius has forever danced from partner to partner, never pausing in his changing rhythm. But when he finds the one he wants to dance with forever, his feet carry him away from Remus, never to dance with him again. Slash RL/SB

***

_Sirius was dreaming. He dreamt he was alone under a vast body of water, mindlessly drifting through the blue with no sense of time or urgency to breathe. Suddenly, somehow, he found that he had cut his finger. He stared, mystified at the origin of the cut, but before he could question it further, it slowly started to fade. Within a few more seconds it had disappeared. Sirius did not continue to drift through the water, but stayed put._

***

After the incident in Sixth Year, after Remus's magical creature status was nearly outed to an extremely werewolf-phobic community, the Marauders' dynamics were irrevocably changed. Faced with the realization that his actions could have had Remus executed by Committee for Disposal of Dangerous Creatures, Sirius was forced to change and rebuild his destroyed friendship with Remus. Sirius learnt what it was like to consider others before himself, to realize what ramifications his actions could have on others. In return Remus learnt of a deeper nature within Sirius – kind, considerate, caring yet still humorous and full of life. Their friendship was rebuilt with their new knowledge as a more meaningful, close relationship. This new development bestowed great happiness upon the two. But neither expected the long years ahead to hold such misery and heartache.

"**Time is making fools of us again."**

**~ Albus Dumbledore**

***

James Potter was currently pacing like a mad troll along the corridors of St Mungo's while his friends sat on the waiting chairs, looking on in amusement. Sirius and Remus exchanged a look as James erupted in the same diatribe he had repeated at least seven times before. "I can't believe she told me to get out... I was just trying to help! And what on earth was she going on about – stuff like that I was the cause of all this, that I was the reason she was ranting and raving - 'James Potter, you'd better get your ass out of the room right now!'" The last part was said in a high pitched falsetto as James turned round to face his friends with the universal 'What the hell?' look on his face. Sirius and Remus, being the good friends they were, nodded along dutifully.

A nearby blue door creaked open and James whipped around at the noise with the hopeful look of a puppy. A brunette nurse with exhaustion etched into her face, yet a cheeky smirk adorning it shouted out, "Mr Potter, your wife says this is your last chance to come back into this room and witness your son's birth or she's filing for a divorce."

James spluttered, "But she said – she wanted me to get out – I don't underst-?"

"We don't have all day Mr Potter," called the nurse politely but with a decidedly smug look on her face.

"Of course," James ran a hand though his dishevelled hair and glanced back at his friends with a last hopeful expression and walked gingerly through the blue door. The nurse followed him through, but not without a wink towards Remus. A second later the door was shut and Remus was left next to Sirius with a flabbergasted expression.

"Huh? Why did she wink at _me_? Especially when you're right next to me?" Remus asked his friend in utter disbelief.

Sirius shook his head in exasperated fondness, "I know I'm a handsome bugger and women can't stop winking at me, but you take yourself too much for granted – you're a handsome guy Moony!"

Remus snorted but Sirius noticed he still managed to make that movement graceful. "Padfoot, your ego is big enough for the two of us, don't go trying to swell mine!"

Sirius placed a hand over his heart with a look of deep hurt, "Mon cheri! How can you say such things!"

Remus unsympathetically whacked Sirius over the back of his head for that comment, "Your French is appalling Sirius."

"Ah, but it is the language of love, no?"

"Then why should two friends use it?" Remus met Sirius's response with a challenging smile.

Sirius grinned, "There's all kinds of love Remus. Like the friendly love between the two of us." Sirius sent Remus a heated look under which the blond found himself inexplicably blushing. "And then there's the love between two people who love each other very much. And you see Remus, when two people love each other very much they begin to have urges to-"

"Sirius! Shut up! Ok, point proven! God - who knows who could have been listening to that!" Remus squeaked while glancing nervously up and down the empty corridor.

Sirius roared in laughter at Remus's prudishness. "Ok, ok I'll stop! But remember Remus, anytime you want any good loving you come to me and I'll hook you right up," Sirius finished with a sultry wink amidst waggling eyebrows.

Remus burst into laughter at his friend's antics and playfully leaned against Sirius's shoulder saying, "My hero! I know you'll always be there for me!"

And then Sirius looked into his eyes and the mood was switched from funny to serious in an instant. One of Sirius's long pale hands moved to cover the werewolf's faintly scarred one. Remus felt his breath hitch as Sirius continued to stare unblinkingly into the flecks of grey in Remus's brown eyes and spoke in a husky tone, "I'll always be there for you Remus. Whenever you need me I'll be there."

The moment was abruptly broken by James hurtling out of the blue door with a simultaneously shocked, relieved and exultant expression on his face. "The baby, he's been born! My son – I have a son!" The two leapt up from their seats to surround James in congratulatory, yet still manly hugs and rush into the main hospital room to see the newborn. But amidst all the hurry and happiness, Remus knew he would not forget the previous moment. Sirius's eyes locked with his over Lily's exhausted figure. No, he would never forget what happened there. And for some odd reason, Remus knew it would never fail to make his heart skip a beat.

"**Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."**

**~ Albus Dumbledore**

***

A tangle of limbs and sweaty skin, sliding and thrusting. The two men met passion with warmth, lust with love, an endless rhythm that touched heaven. And after, when they both collapsed, panting and sated, they held onto each other. Breathing into each other, becoming one once more, unmoving and in love, soft fingers trailing the other's lips.

***

Remus Lupin was a werewolf. And though his peers and teachers tried to hide the truth from him, he had always known life would be difficult after Hogwarts due to his affliction. He wasn't blind to James's monetary gifts or Sirius's bank account seemingly popping up on every transaction Remus made. But he felt better when he was with Sirius, when he knew that he was at least giving something back. Yet still there was so much he was taking from his friends without the ability to return anything. So when Dumbledore approached him about more long-term projects for the Order, Remus threw himself into the work with vigour, anything to help. But Remus failed to see his friends' growing gloominess at his long departures, Sirius's long silences when he announced he was leaving on another job for the Order, the crafty look in Wormtail's squinting eyes.

***

Sirius leant against the brick exterior, gazing to the stars above through the plumes of smoke emitting from the cigarette in his hand. He didn't even like to smoke, not really. It was just another Muggle habit he picked up in his adolescent years to annoy his parents. Sirius continued to stargaze for a few more minutes before dropping the cigarette to the floor and stamping it into the soil with his foot in one easy motion. Cocking his head to the side, he caught the murmurs of celebration through the brick; Harry's first birthday party. Yet he was loathe to re-enter the house so soon after seeing _him_ again, he didn't know if he could handle it much longer. He couldn't just waltz in there with the cocky smirk everyone expected to find on his handsome face and smile happily into those honey brown eyes and pretend everything was okay. Pretend beneath the masks they bore they both didn't know what was so terribly wrong.

As his thoughts ventured down a darker route, Sirius regretfully gazed down at the crushed remains of the cigarette, wishing he hadn't been so hasty to throw it away. The young man inhaled a shuddering breath, wrapping his leather jacket tighter around himself, as he recalled just who was in the house, a mere few feet away from him. The lonely hand came up to rest on the wall next to his face, almost caressing it, imagining _his_ hand to be on the other side. Touching him, feeling him, connecting once more. The tears pooling in his eyes jolted him back to reality and he angrily snatched his hand away, shoving the offending limb deep into his pocket.

He wouldn't normally believe what Peter said. He didn't want to believe what Peter said. Hell, he hadn't talked to Wormtail for three weeks straight when Peter made that first comment! But they were easily reconciled when the other assured him he hadn't meant it in that way, that he was only joking, that he had never suspected _Remus_ of anything like that! Still, it had sown the seeds. Sirius had found himself speculating on Remus's movements. He had hated himself for it, but he hated even more what he had found out. That Remus could be...his Remus...the only one...that Remus was...

***

This time they were underneath the stars. Sirius knew that Remus was always more wild, animalistic during their trysts when they were immersed in nature due to his inner wolf. But Sirius had forgotten about that, the rumours and suspicions had forgotten about that. As he saw his Remus turn from the usually careful, gentle lover to a raw, animalistic one, Sirius only remembered the wild, savage nature of Dark Magic. Sirius only remembered his doubts on his lover's loyalties. And when Remus woke up the next morning from his grassy slumber, he wondered at the cold absence beside him that his lover usually occupied.

***

It happened a month before Halloween. Remus was hardly around anymore, supposedly on jobs for Dumbledore. But on those rare events that the Marauders were able to reunite once more at the Potters, the tension was visible. Suspicion and doubts clouded the hearts of everyone at the dinner table save Lily and little Harry. Remus was especially tense, having caught on to his friends' and lover's distrust. The clinking of spoons, attempt of small talk on Lily's behalf and gurgles by Harry were all that dared intrude upon those suffocating silences.

It was after one of said dinners that Remus and Sirius had apparated to their shared flat. But recently the flat was only rarely occupied by the werewolf and Sirius preferred to inhabit the guest room, rather than sleep in their bed. So it was a dusty and distant environment that met the two men as they hesitantly moved towards their bedroom; its state spoke volumes for Remus. He sunk down onto the mattress, threading fingers through salt-and-pepper locks. Sirius also moved forward, but veered towards an armchair, meticulously avoiding the crimson blankets on which his lover was perched. Silence reigned for an age. It was neither a minute nor an hour, but rather both, an endless passing of time.

When Remus spoke, it was hesitant, soft and self-conscious. "How has the Order been doing?"

It was the wrong question to ask, Sirius's head snapped to affix his friend with an icy glare, "And you want to know, why?"

"I- I just wanted to know what had been going on while I was gone!"

Sirius's gaze retreated, but his demeanour did not. The sneering mutter in response, spawned by his anger, sadness and feeling of betrayal – "Fucking traitor," - was easily picked up by the sharp werewolf senses.

Remus was shocked, appalled at this treatment. He could feel all the injustices he had recently been served accumulating on his shoulders, bringing him to boiling point. His friends' stares and mistrust, _Professor _Snape's acid remarks whenever he visited Hogwarts – those biting comments that cut down deep. The endless immersion in werewolf culture he had to embody himself in to gain an alliance for the Order. But that which carved into his heart with unerring precision, making him wince each time the whip struck, was Sirius's response to him.

As Remus's angry, confused but predominately hurt eyes met his, Sirius faltered, unsure of the line he was pursuing. But then his eyes fell on a picture of a newborn Harry and his parents. His heart hardened. So when Remus's soft question was quietly uttered, Sirius did not let himself fall trap to the betrayer's softly spoken words.

"Sirius...I don't understand-"

"YES YOU DO! Yes you _fucking_ do Remus Lupin and don't you dare try bloody lying to me again!" Sirius roared, beyond complacence.

Remus stared, shocked for a few seconds before the animalistic nature of the wolf kicked in and he shouted back just as defiantly, "What the _hell _Sirius? You're the one who doesn't even sleep in our bed anymore, the one who hardly speaks a word to me in _weeks_ and then you start mouthing off like a fucking psychopath as soon as I step through that front door!"

What could only be described as a growl emanated from Sirius's throat "You're blaming this on me not speaking to you in weeks?! For fuck's sake, Lupin, I've barely _seen _you in the last few MONTHS! And please, drop the fucking act, we both know what you've been doing – you fooled Dumbledore but don't try to fucking lie to me!"

"Lie? LIE? I have been busting my fucking _ass_ off for the past few months trying to gain an alliance with the werewolves for the bloody Order and you – YOU! You just fucking sit in here or at James's on your lazy ass and then you have the _audacity_ to berate me?! How_ dare _you!"

Sirius seemed to swell rapidly, making the room feel smaller and tighter. It seemed as if the closing walls were squeezing his anger, rage and hurt into one huge bundle and the only possibility was to spit it out as quickly as possible, regardless of who it might hit. "YOU FUCKING LIAR! It's you! I know it fucking is so don't you dare try bloody denying it! You're the traitor! You're the reason Fabion and Gideon are _dead_! You're the reason the Death Eaters are always one step ahead of us! Because you're the fucking traitor – YOU'RE A BLOODY DEATH EATER!

As the shouted words died away, Sirius noticed just how close the two of them had become during their argument. Remus was so unbearably near, his body merely a few centimetres away. And angry pants from their heated fight mingled between their open lips until they were practically breathing in each other's air. And the _heat. _Oh Gods, the heat – rising from every pore of his lover's body, enveloping Sirius in a warm cocoon, a fiery embrace. It would be so easy to just lean forward and fall into those arms, _indulge_…

With a short, angry cry, Sirius wrenched his head away from Remus, near fleeing to the corner of the room. He resolutely faced the wall, breaths coming in shaky pants, clenched fists trembling at his sides. Sirius could not restrain himself from flinching at the sound of apparition behind him.

It took a few more minutes for Sirius to compose himself enough so he could turn his gaze back onto the room. His eyes were resolutely drawn to the spot Remus occupied not five minutes ago and his figure slumped back against the wall, sliding down until he met the carpet. Covering glassy grey eyes with his hands, Sirius allowed himself to wonder. Wonder what Remus's face had looked like before he left. Wonder if it was hurt, betrayed, angry, sad… Wonder if he had turned his head round at those last few moments, would Remus still have left? Would Remus still be gone?

White, shaky hands slowly uncovered a tear streaked face that was still affixed to the empty spot. Now he would never know.

**"Forgive me, Remus."**

**~ Sirius Black**

***

Sirius shivered against the prison bars, recoiling in disgust when he heard his cousin's mad laughter come floating down the hall towards him. He still couldn't believe how horribly he had screwed up, how he had thought of _Remus _as guilty, trusted the rat and let down little Harry, James and Lily by letting rage cloud his thoughts and running after Wormtail.

His head turned sharply at the mocking sneer from the prison guard who was spelling Azkaban's finest cuisine into the rotten cell. Sirius stared down at the pile of mush barely recognizable as food before returning his gaze to the guard. The pockmarked, bloated face held only unadulterated disgust and repulsion for Sirius's dirty, skeletal form and uncontrollably Sirius felt the familiar words swelling up in his chest - _'I didn't do it!....It was Wormtail!...I swear, for Merlin's sake, just give me a trial and you'd know!' _But Sirius knew by now that it would do no good, no one listened to a prisoner of Azkaban; the tumbled frantic pleas were simply insane rants of a guilty man. So Sirius swallowed the words back down, feeling them grate against his throat. He pushed them down into the core of his being, along with all the words he would never get to say to Lily, James, Harry...and all those words he wanted to say to Remus...._I'm sorry._

_I'm so sorry._

***

Sirius slinked out of the dining hall, carefully avoiding Molly Weasley's berating eye. Why was she so adamant to make sure Harry knew nothing? Yes, despite everything Harry's been through, he is still a child and shouldn't be in the thick of the Order – but that doesn't equal complete ignorance!

Sirius jerkily carded his fingers through his hair while he slipped into his bedroom, weariness closing in. He recalled the awkward moment when he had bumped into _him _earlier today. Their bodies falling in flush with each other one again... But no, he wasn't going to think about _him. _He had avoided the subject well enough before; they had rarely seen each other in the past year. But now that Sirius had somewhere stable to live, somewhere where Remus was continually visiting as part of the Order...

Sirius was about to collapse onto his red and gold bed when a figure in the doorway caught his eye.

"Tonks! Hey, how's my favourite relative doing?"

Tonks shot him a smirk, "As if there was any competition for it."

Sirius kept his playful grin while he motioned for them to sit on the bed. "You got a point there. First there's the Bitch – the crazy one. Then there's Bitch 2 – the snob." Sirius held out his hand while counting down on his fingers with each name, a mock thoughtful look on his face. "Of course there's baby Malfoy – but I've heard he's just as a snot-nosed brat as his father was."

Tonks laughed, throwing her neck back before casting him a reprimanding glare, "And what other relative save me, do you worship?"

Sirius tapped a finger to his chin, "Hmm...no, I got nothing."

Tonks playfully hit him, laughing, "Jerk! Better not let mum catch you say that!"

"Fine, fine!" Sirius held up his hands in a pacifying motion, grinning. "Besides worshipping the almighty Tonks," he nodded to the aforementioned while she gave a sitting bow. "I also worship the wonderful Andromeda!"

"Better," Tonks replied, smiling. But it faded in the ensuing silence as she seemed to remember something, turning her gaze elsewhere and growing suspiciously melancholy. She was completely still, not even fidgeting.

Sirius shifted so he could get a proper look at her. "Tonks, are you ok?"

Tonks's face remained slanted to one side and the words came floating around the side of her head to Sirius, "I'm fine – it's nothing - silly really..."

With an infinite patience that he did not possess, Sirius gently took hold of Tonks's hands and pulled them towards him, forcing her to look into his clear grey eyes. Her hair was long and straight, black with spiky gold tips, her eyes a deep blue today. A blue Remus always thought looked good on him, Sirius thought with a pang.

They gazed into each other's eyes for a few moments, like sister and brother. Slowly her lips opened of their own volition and spewed out the words that forever froze Sirius's heart.

"I'm in love with Remus."

Sirius sat blank faced, shock radiating through his body. Tonks, who thought Sirius disapproved of the age range was hastily stumbling over her own words in numerous explanations and reasonings. But Sirius could barely hear any of it, the words seemed to come from a great distance, drowned out by the booming in his ears.

_I'm in love with Remus_

_Love. Remus_

_In love._

_Remus._

Sirius finally gained the strength to turn his head away and gain a reprieve by the postered walls. But _she _followed him, crouching down until he was forced to meet her eyes. Those blue, blue eyes.

"Sirius, I thought you'd be okay with this... I really, I-"

In a brief, malevolent, flash Sirius considered telling her that Remus was gay. She would easily believe him – it was common in the Wizarding World. But it was a lie. Sirius knew Remus was bisexual, just like him. And he could come to love the woman in front of him just as much as he once loved Sirius.

_Love_

Didn't Remus deserve that? A chance at love that was unhindered by an Azkaban prisoner, a fugitive, one who had betrayed him past forgiveness? Didn't he deserve to have a family and grow old with this vibrant, caring young woman? One who could give him everything he needed?

And so Sirius did one of the most selfless acts he had ever done in his life.

"Tonks, Tonks, calm down! I, I'm fine with it, honestly. It just came as a shock – that's all."

Looking again into those blue eyes, Sirius slid off the bed until he was kneeling in front of her. Large hands came to rest on her small shoulders. It was time to dig the final nail into his proverbial coffin. "Look, Tonks, I think you'll be good for Remus. And that, that he will be good...for you."

_For you. Not for me._

"I suggest you go after him kiddo, he needs someone like you."

_Someone like you. Not someone like me._

"It's what you both need."

_It's what he needs._

"And, I give you my blessing, if that's what you were looking for."

_And I would give it wholeheartedly – if it means he would be happy._

And as Tonks threw her arms around him in joy, Sirius carefully held his face away from her jumper; so as not to leave on the fabric the tell tale stain of tears.

"**You don't understand -- there are things worth dying for!"**

**~ Sirius Black**

***

It was mid-June in the Weasley kitchen and Remus felt terribly uncomfortable. It wasn't, as some certain Slytherins might say, due to the cramped environment and battered furniture; Remus had always thought that had lent an air of homeliness and family that stately manors could never achieve. Neither was it the inhabitants, Bill and Charlie were always a laugh and Remus was on great terms with the other members of the Order visiting. Well, maybe that last sentence held a tiny lie by omission. Or maybe a pretty huge one. Because the cause of Remus's discomfort was all down to one certain inhabitant of the Burrow: Nymphadora Tonks.

Remus didn't find her personality annoying, as some might, rather he found her refreshing, an exuberant ray of sunshine. If Remus cared about that kind of thing, neither would her looks matter, when in her natural form she possessed pretty, delicate features no doubt inherited from her maternal pureblood ancestry. In reality there was absolutely nothing wrong with the woman currently avidly chatting away to him, except for an alarming development. He had seen Molly's mischievous look as she left the two alone in the kitchen and wondered at it. He had passed off the first fleeting touch on his arm. But he had grown suspicious at the frequent rate she stared into his eyes longer than strictly appropriate. He had tried to ignore the subtle hints and flirts headed his way but it was impossible not to latch onto the direction of Tonks's intentions. And oh how Remus hated her for it.

It wasn't her exactly, more of what she represented, what she told him of Sirius. For Remus knew how tight the two cousins were. He knew Tonks would never dream of pursuing him if Sirius hadn't given her his blessing. So what was this? Was this Sirius's own way of subtly telling Remus that he had moved on? That he was sick of all the awkward moments in narrow corridors because unlike Remus, Sirius had no latent feelings from their previous relationship?

Remus felt his heart grow heavy with the last thought. Of course that was it, Sirius had left the past behind and moved on – like anyone who was mentally sound would. After all it had been fifteen years... Maybe he, like Sirius, should accept that it's finally time to embrace a future rather than try to relive a long gone past.

With that thought firmly affixed inside his mind, refusing to let any other emotion come to play, Remus concentrated on the young woman in front of him. She was a wonderful person, intelligent, witty and fun to be around. She was still young but such age differences were not looked down upon in the Wizarding World given magical beings' large lifespans. And she could be serious and meaningful when she wanted to be – someone to talk and divulge secrets in. Yet as Remus watched her bounce up and down in her chair with such enthusiasm over the almost one-sided debate over the Quidditch League, he could not help but think, _but she's not Siri-_

"Arthur! Molly!" The harsh voice of Alastor Moody growled out of the fireplace, causing Remus to abandon his trail of thought in favour of hurriedly rushing over to the burning face of the grizzled Auror along with Tonks. The harried dialogue could barely be called a conversation. Harry and the Death Eaters at the Department of Mysteries – Merlin, what a mess! Remus could hardly think straight as he Flooed into the Atrium, barely catching himself from ramming into another member of the Order thrown out of the adjoining fireplace. But clarity burst through his mind as he recognized the unforgettable form of Sirius Black. He was about to shout at him, order him to get back to Grimmauld Place, but they were already running through the marble halls.

And then suddenly Remus found himself in the Death Chamber; he whirled around, searching for the familiar figure in order to demand the fool return to Headquarters, but Remus was instantly engaged by a Death Eater. From then on it was all a blur...worry clenched his insides when he saw Harry's slight figure surrounded by the looming Death Eaters...energy rejuvenated his body at the sight of Dumbledore entering the fray...a feeling of anxiousness as he watched Tonks fall crashing to the cold stone. Remus wondered what that meant, did he care for Tonks? But this was no time to think of such matters, not when spells were still rapidly firing from the Death Eater's wands...and figures flying in blurs all around him...Sirius laughing his dog like bark... Sirius's eyes opening in shocked horror...

_Sirius's eyes opening in shocked horror..._

Remus barely noticed the rush of raw magic which threw his opponent to smash against the opposite wall with a sickening crack. All he could do was stare into those wide grey eyes. Lock onto the swirling mercury orbs and want to cry, to scream, to yell, _anything. _Want to shout at the top of his lungs that no! No he was not bloody ready to move on from Sirius! He still wanted him...he still _needed_ him!

Over on the opposite side of the room, back arched across the dais, Sirius locked eyes with Remus's petrified stare. And in that last moment Sirius allowed a twisted joy to bloom across his chest. At least now Remus could continue his life without the dreary prisoner of Azkaban looming over him. At least now he would not have to watch Remus start a happy new life with another.

_At least now it was all over._

And with his final movement through the veil, all the misplaced guilt, twisted joy, seemingly unrequited love, profound loss and lingering insanity from Azkaban was swallowed up whole, along with the man named Sirius Black.

Remus Lupin though, he could only wish for death to come swallow him up as well.

"**...to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever..."**

**~ Albus Dumbledore**

***

_Sirius was dreaming. It was the same dream he had many years ago and without any thought, he simply knew he was in the same place where he had cut his finger previously. Minutes, hours, days, maybe even seconds passed – a timeless age before anything happened. Instantly a cut appeared streaked across his finger. Sirius gazed at it, beaming because he knew that it would soon disappear. But it did not disappear and Sirius could only watch on, grin fading, as blood began to rapidly billow up in clouds of red smoke through the water. There was too much red. Too much blood to be coming from such a small cut. But it kept on bleeding slowly out as Sirius's body became a translucent pale. Eventually the cut dried up, having no more blood left to spill, but it was too late. Sirius was dead._

_***_

The End! Ok, way more angsty than I originally set out to write, but oh well!

Hope you liked it - please review if you did!


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